I keep writing blog posts in my head, some exciting things to talk about, but then some set backs, panic attacks, sleepless nights... and I forget what I wanted to tell you - because the workshops I've been taking, talk about funnels and social media and providing upbeat content and I kind of just want to tell you the truth, even if it does sound whine-y and childish. I promise, once I'm on the other side of some of these shots, appointments, and other grown up stuff, I'll do a post about the things that are lighting me up and keeping me going. But today. Right now. With the piles of junk to sort, the dust everywhere, the black flies, and the credit card bills I can't pay... and the cat asleep on my arms (they're getting numb!)... this is what I need to say out loud right now. (I also apologize for the slight stream of consciousness).

Dear Friend,

My mom isn't doing very well. She has a full brace for the broken spine and needs 24 hour care. My sister and her husband have been sleeping over to keep an eye on her. I still feel really angry that no one listened to me when I expressed my concern... months ago. And again, when she fell. My sister is having trouble working with NH Medicaid because she is in Maine. Mom used up the rest of her funds on the ambulance and renting a hospital bed and the in-home nurse. I know it sounds selfish, but she can't help me with paying my service-human, or my oil bill, so I'm back to panicking about money. The truth is that I'm also really scared. A lot of people have died recently. If my mom goes, she's my only family member who really cares about me. I feel like, without her, I would be completely invisible and disappear from memory. Everyone is really busy so I've put the studio playdays on hold for now. I miss having people to talk to. Lilah is too busy and has been at Universal and her dad's for vacation, and Stef is cleaning and preparing to open the Velvet Moose ice cream shop (I designed some cute ice cream stickers!)... she'll be busy until they close again in the Fall. She'd promised to come to the remaining dog training sessions with me, but bailed for tomorrow. Lilah said she's busy tomorrow too. I'm tempted to skip going - it's just too stressful. Last week we were practicing in TJ Maxx and it got really crowded, so we all walked over to Aubuchon. I was so worn out, Elsa Bear and I just drove straight home after and fell asleep on the couch. I suck at training. I just can't do the training things - the encouraging voice, the timing of the rewards, so much masking... and it all takes place in places that I don't feel comfortable being. Stores. But, honestly, where do I ever feel comfortable? My brain doesn't work right. Trying to build EB's confidence and lessen her anxiety is having the opposite effect on me. I can't remember my "Why?" What was my purpose again? Sorry to whine! There are some really good things happening too. There just isn't anyone to talk to and I think the loneliness is triggering depression? Anyway. Back to work. I'm trying to sell some of mom's stuff on ebay, and get ready for the Kids Con. Elsa Bear doesn't seem to like it when I'm working in the downstairs studio (The Beehive). We took a long walk today and visited the library. My "Ready Set GOrilla!" book is going to be on the Story Walk near the river this summer! Oh - I was also invited to do a show of my illustrations at the Two Villages Art Society in February. See? Some good things! Just no one to tell. Now, I'd rather crawl on to the couch, binge watch "Royal Pains", and color in my brand new "The Lilah Beans Coloring Book". But first, I have to do some grown-up stuff. Why aren't there people who just want to give me wads of money so I can draw and paint? Hmmm... is there such a thing as an anonymous sugar-daddy? Should I google it? No. Stay focused... eBay... next item up for auction... a shellacked, mummified toad doll in a mysterious looking robe. (More material for a comic I will never draw?)

Hope you are doing well. Miss you.

- Sandy    >^..^<