Today is my birthday. It started with me waking from a terrifying nightmare... then I spent half an hour, or so, sitting on the floor of the shower and crying. I cried because a bunch of people can't come to my party. Well, not because they can't come, but because of the reasons they can't come - and that there is nothing I can do to help them. I cried because I miss my kids and I feel useless as a mom. I cried because I am 43 years old and still feel like I am under the control of some other people. I cried because I feel like one of the kids in "Half Magic" where they find a coin that grants their every wish... but only HALF. I cried because I still feel like I exist in an alternate reality and the things I see and experience are not what others see and experience. "Stuff" just feels so overwhelming.

I usually pull myself out of these strange funks when I notice I am composing blog posts in my head. No, I never actually post any of those "posts". (I really don't want to get sued!!) But then I found my "advice" moving towards "big girl panties". This, of course, refers to acting mature and responsible and doing the right thing, no matter how hard it is.

I have always found that phrase a little offensive and only use it with sarcasm. Big girl panties sound like those awful things one wears when pregnant. Uncomfortable, ugly, white, itchy, with seams... I can't think of a single thing that is positive about them! Why can't big girl panties, be lacy, colorful, or at the very least, stretchy? I have a feeling that big girl panties were designed by men. I have been wearing them for the past year or two and can't honestly say they have helped in any way. They chafe and I am sick of them!! Today is my birthday and I'll whine if I want to!!

So I pulled my wrinkled self out of the shower and determined I would blog about panties rather than the stuff I would get in trouble for saying out loud. But as a compromise, no big girl panties today... I will wear my TIARA!!

When I came downstairs, there was a message waiting for me on my answering machine that changed my mood considerably. I couldn't figure out a way to add an audio file to this blog, so I put it on my website, here: http://www.sandysteenbartholomew.com/audio/  if you are curious. :-)

I typed this entire post wearing my tiara. Not only do I feel a hundred times better now - thank you for listening to my mini-venting - but I now know HOW to deal with audio files and websites. I may be older, but I am smarter.

I will now go do my chores and allow myself to indulge in my birthday. I will be grateful for whoever shows up this evening and I won't worry about everyone's problems (at least I will TRY not to). If anyone else wants to come and play this evening, you are very welcome. 5:30 at The Studio Formerly Known as Wingdoodle. (Maybe, that's what I should actually call it? Or TSFKW for short?