I'm going to whine a little, admit to being an idiot, and tell you how I humiliated myself....again. Then, I will wash my face and tell you some of the cool things I need to get back to work on.
I mentioned in the last post that Things have been Crazy. I should be used to that by now - but Big Disappointments, Family Dramas, and Financial Crisis - are only made worse by Depression, Anxiety Attacks and... let's just call it Lack of Support, for now.
I admit - I've been a mess.
I've never been good at multi-tasking or solving multiple emergencies at once. I tried to prioritize the emergencies...
I'm trying to sell the Wingdoodle Building, so I wanted to get all the yard sale junk from my mom's indoor sale (from last summer!) OUT of the building. Anywhere, but here.
I wanted the potential buyers to walk in on Tuesday and go, "Whoa! It's bigger and better than I remembered!? Wow - I can't WAIT to buy it!"
The Fireman said it was too big a project for one person to do - so he didn't want to help. On Monday - I started lugging stuff to my mom's barn (That's a second problem - to be dealt with at a later date). Laurie joined in. Then, I guess The Fireman must have felt bad so he helped too.
I went back the next morning and Laurie and I dragged more stuff to the barn. The Fireman watched me load the car up, arguing the whole time that I couldn't do it. (wtf?) After a few loads, he started tossing stuff into his truck. After that, it was pretty quick to get it cleaned out.
It looked so nice and clean (I vacuumed too) - I started thinking "maybe... I should keep it...?"
I've been so obsessed with selling the building and solving my Mom's crisis, that I've put my illustration projects on hold. I am WAY behind schedule. But I can't seem to focus on anything - ideas are all too ethereal and I just end up crying and with a migraine.
I feel very Angry.
Wednesday was a total wash. A blizzard. I had no way of getting into Concord to work at the studio. Which was fine. I was in such a deep Depression - I spent most of the day just staring at the wall and crying. I tried calling the Fireman, but he was busy. I remember my daughter asking me the next day if he was in Ice-head or Cricket mode? We couldn't figure it out, but it obviously wasn't On Fire for You mode.
Thursday, I got up early to dig myself out of the heavy, wet snow. I broke a shovel trying to get through the mountain the plow had made at the end of my driveway. As I stood there crying, I was cursing the boyfriend/neighbor with a snowblower, who no longer felt the need to help me.
I pulled myself together and went to a fantastic Women Inspiring Women luncheon at the Centennial Inn. Ironically - it was about Relationships. (As if I needed help?! ha ha ha!)
I sketch-noted the talk:
I met some VERY cool, fascinating ladies - and by the time I left there, I was actually feeling a lot more like my real-self. It was sunny out and I was excited to get to my Studio and start working on Work! Finally! Maybe things would be ok. And maybe The Fireman would calm down again and remember his promises. Maybe...
...crud. He had left a whole bunch of increasingly angry text messages assuming I was ignoring him on purpose. It was obvious he was still in Bad Boyfriend mode. I crashed down again. Eventually gave up on Work, and went home.
Friday, I stared at walls and felt sad. At one point, Laurie, her son, and I went out to try and clear more of the snow - and the Fireman yelled at all of us. No. He hadn't snowblowed. No, he didn't come over with a shovel and help. Just yelled.
My daughter saved the day for me. We got into a very silly discussion about Taylor Swift's Goat Song (Trouble) and that somehow led to the song "We Go Together" (from Grease) and we tried to memorize all the crazy lyrics and sing it really loud.
ShooDop Sha wadda wadda - dippity dipda DO!
Then we watched the movie GREASE - all the way to "Beauty School Dropout" when her Dad came to pick her up.
And then the house was really empty.
I looked out the window and noticed the Fireman had turned off all the lights in his house. Even the red heart he said was for me.
I crawled into bed with the cat.
Saturday, Got up early to take my Mom to Portsmouth to catch a Greyhound bus to Bangor, ME. She's going to visit my sister in Bar Harbor and organize her move up there next month. Laurie offered to come with me for company.
The bus stop was outside...
It was very cold. The bus was more than three hours late!
Turns out, back in Boston, they couldn't find the driver... how do you lose a driver!? So they took a lady driver from a NY route and sent her to do this run. She had to ask my MOM for directions!!??
Laurie and I were so cold and bored and discouraged by the time we headed home - late afternoon. But we cheered up again when we stopped at the Lindt chocolate shop off of 101!
I think I am in love with THIS man -----------------------v
We walked in and
He said: "would you like to try a free sample of our new flavor?"
Us: "Oh, YES, please!!?"
Him: "It's red velvet!"
Me: "Oh, no thank you... (sad)... I only like dark chocolate. sigh"
Him: "Then I will get you one of our new 70% dark chocolates!"
Me: "oooooooooooooo...... !"
It was fabulous.
Laurie and I soaked in Lindt balls!
Then we bought ourselves TONS of (our own durn) Valentines chocolates!!
I was exhausted when we finally got back home. But, in a better mood.
Until I saw the Fireman's texts.
He was angry that I was angry about him having been angry about.... ?
He wanted his key back.
And then... and this one I am still puzzling over... he wanted me to know that he had bought me the LEGO Diner that I desperately wanted. He had been planning on giving it to me for Valentine's Day. But he was going to return it or give it to his little nephew. What?!
SO... if I wanted the Diner... I was supposed to ... what?
Or was he just trying to hurt me by saying he was going to lick all the donuts so I couldn't eat them?
I don't understand? Hurt me all week... then instead of trying to make things right... hurt me all weekend too? Seriously. I have no response.
Once again, I crawled into bed. But this time, I binge watched "Continuum" while building my LEGO Bank!! And I had bought this set MYSELF!
It was actually my gift to myself for graduation from Cartoon School!
Isn't it gorgeous? I attached it to the Detective Agency I finished a few weeks ago.
On the roof, there's a huge skylight! And a bank robber - the chimney has a secret opening right into the bank vault! OMG! It's too cool. :-)
Today I was determined to get to Work! But the Depression slammed me again. At a very low point, I tried calling - Him - I make poor decisions when I feel that Bad. Of course, he didn't answer. He's blocked me. Probably that's for the best. In my mind, I have this image of him that he's this loving, wonderful person who can pick me up when I'm down. Always there for me. Helpful. Trustworthy. Whatever.
In reality - we are truly ill-suited to each other. My humiliation comes from allowing myself to be treated badly... over and over again. And again. Each time, he thinks he has convinced me that nothing actually happened. I'm making a big deal out of nothing. I was at fault. He's the perfect boyfriend. I'm crazy.
I argue with him in my head. But there's no point in answering his texts or whatever he's yelling from his window. I just feel so embarrassed. So humiliated. What was I thinking? How can this be happening - again? Why am I such an idiot? How can I get him out of my head so I can get to WORK!?
That's what I've been thinking all afternoon. Cry, cry, cry. Kick things. Cry some more. Then all the anger shifts completely towards myself. I think terrible thoughts. And then I realize - I don't actually believe them.
Maybe he's wrong?
Eventually... I get... bored... I need to DO something with the anger and disappointment. I haven't drawn comics about this stuff in - 6 months (???!!!) - because it's the same old crap. Just read the old comics. I need new material. Different characters. I need to get back to WORK!
My compromise was to do a brain drain. I figured, if I write it all down here... [As Anna Nalick sings in "Breathe"]
...If I get it all down on paper, its no longer
Inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
'Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud...
You all are used to my messing up, so I thank you for reading all of that and bearing with me.
I will get my act together.
I WILL get my act together.
(rinse and repeat).
Here are the main things I have been (trying) to work on recently - I will write more about them soon.
• I'm working on the illustrations for a picture book for Clear Fork Publishing, called "Ready, Set, Gorilla!" by Melissa Stoller. (click here to read article)
• Montshire Science Museum teamed up with Dartmouth College to produce more science kits - and I'm doing the comics/illustrations again. (click here to read the newspaper article)
• There's a large studio space available in the basement of the Concord Community Arts Center and I want to turn it into a Creative Collaboration Art Space.
• I finished the dummy for my own picture book "Blue Roo" and need to find it a publisher.
• The Quo Vadis, calendar comics were updated to include a full 12 months and I need to find a way to get them printed.
• Sketchnotes. I have drawn A LOT of sketchnotes and want to make a website for them.
Alright. That seems to have worked. Now I am accountable to you all and I feel like I want to go and work on stuff! THANKS!