After a major accomplishment, life change or even a spectacular failure... doesn't it seem like there should be bells ringing? Or at least a little chime? I get a "bing" for just receiving new email. Seems like there should be something to signal a major completion. I really wanted to write something about finishing the book... but I still have some editing to complete. I wanted to write about finishing my divorce - the papers are all signed and he moved out his stuff this weekend. And other things too. But it is hard to know when something is truly finished.

I just spent three days at my dad's in Massachusetts with my kids, so that my ex could move out all his stuff. I brought the kids to his house, just now, and drove home. I passed four deer watching me from the creepy forest with glowing eyes. Came home to a house that was freezing cold and partially empty. Not completely empty. Just sections. Weird. My impulse to cry warred with my determination to put an "exciting opportunity" spin on the whole thing. These are now my walls. I could repaint! I could move furniture.... (I don't have time!?) I kept saying..."Ok, that's done now. He's out. Finished. On to the next thing." Then I saw the lists of all the stuff he had taken... and all the marks to indicate items he had NOT taken. Meaning... he's coming back for more. It's not done yet. I guess that explains why I didn't hear any bell, right?

It just occurred to me that I had written "Came home to a house that was freezing cold..." and my hands really ARE freezing. So I looked at the thermostat and it says "57", but is set to "67". That's NOT good. It's like when you take your car in for a check up - and ten things break the next day.

If my life were a movie... there would be some music playing... a theme song? Then I'd scream and run off to Tuscany and buy an old villa. In reality... Oh - there's a bell!.... just the phone. It's the heating guy telling me that the he put ten gallons in the tank last night and it shouldn't have run out already. What?! Does he think I DRANK it or something?! I haven't even been home. "I guess you want me to drive out there again?" No, let's let the pipes freeze so this drama is complete. Egads - I am becoming a silent sarcastic. Turns out, the house was freezing cold yesterday too. While my ex was moving his stuff. He finally noticed at night and called my mother who called the heating people. She was here til after midnight because it was a Saturday night and the repair guy had to come from an hour away - at extra cost. The oil had run out. But I have a contract. No explanation. And the pressure in the furnace was at explosion level... so it was a GOOD thing the oil ran out. So he repaired it. At extra cost. And now, I guess, we will repeat the process tonight. What I really want to do (besides running away to Tuscany) is curl up with popcorn, cocoa and the Roku (sulk a little) and escape my own head.
My darling mother just came over to help me sulk. As I read her that last line, she says, "But you couldn't make popcorn anyway. Microwave is gone. And no cocoa. Teapot is gone." Thanks mom. The couch is gone too, but the Roku is still here...

I could not think of a word to sum up my feelings today. Other than AAAAAAARGH!

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