4/14/23 • Wait... did I miss Spring?!

4/14/23 • Wait... did I miss Spring?!
Photovoltaic Snowdrops

I finished this painting last week. It was very cold. And we still had quite a bit of snow. 3 days ago, it was chilly, but sunny, and there was only snow on the shady North side of the house. Yesterday, the yard cleanup people came and took the big branches and dead leaves away. And the snow? It was 70 degrees!? And where these snowdrops had been, there are huge bunches of blooming daffodils!? What?! Where did they come from? Were they under the snow and leaves? Today was over 80 degrees... and there is still a small patch of snow out back. It's so messed up. I was not at all prepared for warm. I only have sweaters unpacked, and I have no idea how to get the AC's in to my windows or the deck furniture up the stairs, or the dog fence repaired... the nice thing about the snow was not having to think about all those other tasks!

I was going to write about being proud of myself today, but I realize, I'm not really. Today was a meeting at the High School to talk about a 504 and accommodations for my daughter. It's been almost four years since the last one (a week before lockdown), and will probably be the last one (she graduates in two years). My Ex was there. No one really wanted to be there. I'm not sure what the point was. I made my case, did my best, and only had to sit in the car for half an hour afterwards to calm myself enough to drive home. Success. And then slept for 45 minutes when I got home.

But BEFORE the meeting... I had two panic attacks and a full meltdown. It was so bad, I couldn't get ready, hadn't eaten anything, it was so HOT! I new I wouldn't be able to be in the same room as her dad. I wouldn't be able to speak. I wouldn't be able to drive... I wouldn't be able to leave the house.. Yeh. That kind of morning.

But a funny thing happened. I had panic texted my friend Amanda. She called me and talked me through my crazy. She was patient and kind and I calmed down. She put everything in perspective, gave me clear tasks, and helped me find the funny (there's ALWAYS something funny!) I didn't feel alone anymore. And then I got an email from my Aspie group coach reminding me that everyone was rooting for me. And another group friend checked in. And the Pastor texted that he and his wife would be praying for me.

People had actually remembered that this was a very difficult day for me. And they knew, because I had told them. It is really embarrassing for me to admit I'm not OK, I need help, or I feel alone. It's very hard for me to stick up for myself. But it's harder not to. I know that the point of today was my kid and how to help her, but, ok, I guess I am a little proud of myself for taking care of me too.

And somehow... I did the things. It's done. I need to sleep for a week!